dillusionalthoughts

Sometimes I wonder if my life is worth the time, if the juice is worth the squeeze.

Sometimes I stare at the sky and question why its blue and why its called blue or who came up with the fucking word BLUE, but then I accept that I have no clue.

Sometimes I ponder my existence with unfocused persistence, sometimes I wonder if I am  a figment of someone else's imagination or if everyone else is a figment of mine.

Sometimes I wonder if god is there and if my sins are really forgiven with a prayer and if he, she or it is listening, and if it finds my thoughts at all interesting?

Sometimes I contemplate suicide and the consequences ( if any) if I took my life. I regress and try to turn my thoughts into more positive ones, but I cant seem to find any worth thinking about so I stop looking and accept that negativity is just easier.

Sometimes I feel like smashing my phone, quitting my job, ditching my car and running away to the woods, but I know I cant so I don't.

Sometimes I wish I could.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy or if everyone else is crazy and if the people talking to themselves under a bridge are sane, but then I convince myself that I don't give a shit and its all the same.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a grand design that we are all apart of. I wonder if everything in the universe is the same energy emanating from one infinite source.

I wonder if me, the person reading this, animals, bugs, plants and all the creatures of the sea will one day understand each other, but then I say fuck it and forget it, besides if a dog could talk to me would I really find what it had to say interesting?

I think back to my ponders of gods care of humanity's problems and I cant help but think that he feels the same way about us that I do about the talking dog.

We're all a little messed up... Arent you?

Manifestations of my most personal thoughts rush to the surface of a crumbling wall, embodying an entity of conscious conflictions that hides behind a mask of superficial tissue. Under the confusion and behind a lit cigarette I try to make sense of memories playing in my mind like scenes from a movie I saw too long ago to remember, yet still I try to imagine the details that erupted this state of mental catastrophe. When did it go sour?

What once was my Eden is now a mirage. The streets of my own personal El Dorado are now baron and cold with the remembrance of happiness.   The complexity of my predicament grows with each passing hour. Every bellow thrown from the sidelines feeds this bewildered monster to the point of self obliteration. How do I stop this?

I've been the wounded while also being the attacker. The offended, indignant souls that are us have developed into apathetic shells of paranoia and malice in anticipation of the next upsetting move from one another. Our strongest attribute has now become our best weapon. My lover has become my enemy and our love has become my crutch. How long will this last?

You dart through my thoughts in your purest form, untainted with the antagonism of my actions or the indignity of yours that now pollute my veins with suppressed damage. Vulnerability is no longer a preference for either of us. We stand Hidden behind a veil of resilient fabrication just so our predator doesn't detect emotional weakness.

With a single gust of breath the smoke clears my lungs and I'm left where I started, stuck in an immortal Polaroid of our once beautiful existence unknown to what's factual or wrong.

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